my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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