I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
