he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
