I wish my penis had an off switch
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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