I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
