If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
