Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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