He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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