Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
