Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
