At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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