I'm really into asian looking animals
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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