I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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