and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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