Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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