I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
