I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
