I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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