So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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