I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I stole a fireplace last night.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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