Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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