Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
