dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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