just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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