and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
