We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
