There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I look better un-naked...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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