If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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