1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Are my feet made of real feet?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize