Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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