Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
