you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
