Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Pants are for mortals
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
