I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize