They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
