I haven't been this sober since birth.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
