If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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