I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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