I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
