fuck your aforementioned shoe
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
