It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
