I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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