why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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