shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
