i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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