you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
