Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
