No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just googled if crying burns calories
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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