Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
