I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
