You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
