I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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