Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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