Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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