got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
